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Home Barber Kit/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW [ gunshots ] [ glass shatters ] harold: Well, this is the moment we've all been waiting for. We're only half an hour away from the end of the show. We're getting there. And here to help us get through this last 30 minutes of "the red green show" is the -- well, is the star of "the red green show," my uncle, and, well, it's his own show. That's why it's named "the red green show," and he hired me. That's pretty much why it's called his show, 'cause otherwise, we'd call it, like, "wilderlike" or something like that, but we'll have to stick to "the red green show"! Here he is -- red green! Thank you, harold, and, uh, welcome to the show. Thank you for watching. If you haven't been turned off by now, you're probably gonna be able to tough it through to the end of the show. Golly, we had a heck of a time up at the lodge this week. Moose thompson, uh, won one of them home barber kits at the bingo, and he wanted to give everybody a free haircut, so, golly, we had a heck of a lot of fun with that. Old man sedgwick ended up losing an ear, you know, but no big deal. He doesn't use them anyway. And moose thompson said that he was only following orders. How was he supposed to know that "a little off the side" only meant hair? And speaking of a little off the side, come over here, harold. Harold is producer and director of the show and the announcer, as you maybe heard, unless you were lucky enough not to be listening, and he has a piece of equipment here that enables him to move us into the next segment, you know, if things are boring or not moving fast enough. He just hits some buttons there, and... Oh, for god sakes, harold. I tell you, I put us into the next segment by mistake. Just get us back here. Let me finish the story. Oh, no, that's -- that's okay. I want to finish the story. Here, I'll get it back. Don't touch it! [ spoons and guitar playing ] ♪ sleep through the night ♪ ♪ up with the sun ♪ ♪ snorf down a coffee and reach for my gun ♪ ♪ come to the forest where all the birds fly ♪ ♪ I blow them and blast them right out of the sky ♪ ♪ smell the gunpowder ♪ ♪ hear the shots ring ♪ ♪ when the ducks start falling, it'll make your heart sing ♪ ♪ hunting is heaven ♪ ♪ it's a sport for real men ♪ ♪ and as soon as my wound heals, I'll go hunting again ♪ this week in the "handyman corner," we're gonna show you how to make it a lot safer to drive at night. Step number one is you throw old man sedgwick's truck keys into the lake. Step two, you go around the front of your vehicle and you count the number of headlights. I come up with the number two -- not one of my favorites. I much prefer the number 10. Right now we've got the headlights all attached with the handyman's secret weapon -- duct tape -- strong and yet flexible enough that you can adjust the headlights, say, even after they're in position. So I can have two facing the left, a couple up, a couple down, a couple to the right, and the other ones just to kind of fill in. I'm gonna see anything on the road in front of me with a rig like this. And even if one or two of them are burned out, that's still no real big problem. Now, obviously, it's gonna take a little extra power to, uh, run a system like this, so what I do is I run a ba-battery cable, jumper-type cable, battery cables back to the back. I don't have one long enough, so I hooked two together, and that's -- as long as it's outside the car, I think that's safe enough. Uh, and take them right through the windshield, or where the windshield used to be, into the backseat area, and what I have in here is I got four batteries, and, uh, they're wired in parallel with, um -- with coat hangers. They power all my extra lighting. And, uh... Now, the wife might think that this is kind of an ugly-looking rig, but I got a little surprise for you that might even satisfy her, but I doubt it. Now, what I've got here is I've mounted a european-style spoiler on the front, like you see on your maseratis and ferraris and isuzus. And what kind of a world would this be without duct tape, I ask you? I'll shock you -- it's a piece of plywood. I got a c-clamp on there, and I got an old garage-door opener here, which is gonna raise and lower the whole unit. Talk about a spoiler. So if you guys want to just throw on your welding goggles out in front there, uh, let's give this rig a try. [ garage-door motor whirring ] well, if that isn't attractive and sporty and stylish all at the same time, then, hey, knock me down and let me get back up again. So, it's that easy, you can do it yourself if you got the tools and the know-how. So, until next time, remember this -- if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. [ engine sputtering ] don't go away. I'm sure you want to hear the end of the haircutting story. Oh, yeah, that's a real nail-biter. For sure. [ chuckles ] "it is winter. "the moonlight bounces off the icy lake. "the streetlights bounce off the icy roads. "your car bounces off the icy guardrails. "your head bounces off the dashboard. Your check bounces off the brain surgeon's reception desk." well, anyway, getting back to this haircutting kit that moose thompson had, you know, stinky peterson gets his hair cut about as often as he washes it, which works out to about once every four years. So the idea of getting a free haircut was pretty appealing to him, even though it meant that several forms of wildlife were gonna have to find a new natural habitat. So moose, unfortunately, wasn't interested in shampooing stinky's hair, so what he done was he just combed it straight up with a garden rake and then marked a line across using a "t" square and a piece of chalk. But then, when he went to cut it, golly, it broke all the blades in the razor. So this makes moose pretty mad, plus, stinky's hair is looking like a hedge on drugs. You know, and stinky wanted his money back, of course, but then he hadn't paid anything, so he said he was willing to take a check. Uncle red, uncle red, look. I've made my video-device machine into a time machine. Well, how does that work, harold? Oh, easy. Watch this, watch this. Like, I'll set it for five minutes into the future, right? To say, like, when the haircutting story was over, for instance, and then push a couple buttons... ...And presto! We're into the future. We're not into the future, harold. We're just into the next segment. Oh, well. That's good enough. Gord: Oh, red green! Yeah? This is a surprise. It's a big surprise! Yeah. [ both laugh ] a real, live human being. Please, come in. This is great. Wipe your feet there. Oh, sorry, yeah. Well, ranger gord, uh, I understand the forest is real, real dry, and we popped in because -- I guess the fire danger has got to be up there now, isn't it? Oh, it's very dangerous. It's very, very dry. It hasn't been this dry since all the time I've been up here. And we haven't had rain now for 23 days, and even when it did rain 23 days ago, it only rained for about two hours. And 7 days previous to that, it drizzled for 17, 18 minutes but nothing of any consequence. Maybe half an inch, 3/4 of an inch -- nothing of any consequence. A little time previous to that, it rained for maybe four or five minutes, but nothing, nothing really of any consequence. It's interesting. Yeah, it is. And all the time I've been up here, I haven't seen it this dry. Oh, yeah, yeah. Everything made out of wood is shrinking, you know? I'm sensing that. I have to retune my autoharp every day. Oh, gosh, you got an autoharp. I've been working on a medley of hits by the captain & tennille. Would you like to hear me play? Well, maybe later, you know, or some other time or something. [ coughs ] are they still hot -- the captain & tennille? Well, you'd have to ask harold about that. What I wanted you to do, though, ranger gord, if you don't mind, is tell our viewers about some of the dangers of your job, fire-watching. Well, I'd love to, red. Okay, great. [ clears throat ] well, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, one of the major dangers in watching a fire is that if you watch them too close, you can burn your eyebrows right off. So be very careful there. Um, now, the other thing is if I didn't have a fire to watch, in the 12 years that I've been up here... Oh, no. All right. That's all right. That's all right. That's all right. I didn't realize. 12 years is -- I mean, don't you take a vacation, gord? Can't you take a day off or something in 12 years? [ crying ] no! No? Fire doesn't take a vacation! Fire doesn't take a day off! [ clears throat ] well, what about in the winter? I mean, there's no forest fire in the winter, you know. Don't tell me that, red. Don't tell me that I didn't have to spend the last 12 winters freezing to death up here! Don't tell me that, red! No, all right, all right, all right. [ sobbing ] gord, I could be wrong. I could be wrong. Now let's talk about something else. What about at night? What about at night and there's a forest fire? Can you see it? How do you tell? How do you detect it? How can you see it? What do you do? Well, if the flames are big enough, you'd be able to see it, wouldn't you? Oh, no, no, I meant, you know, if you were asleep. How would you know there's a fire if you're asleep? Sleep? Yeah, you know, if you're asleep. You mean I could have slept? Don't tell me that, red, okay? Okay, don't -- don't tell me that, red! Fire doesn't sleep, you know! Huh?! I understand, I understand. All right, all right. Take it easy. Take it easy. I have a question for you. A big fire, sure, you're gonna see it. What about a small fire? How do you detect a small fire? Oh. [ chuckles ] oh, okay. Well, uh... I've got 400 smoke detectors hung one breaker all around here. Oh. That's an interesting... My only problem is dense fog. The fog will set them off. Oh. Anytime there's a dense fog, the whole forest goes... [ smoke alarm blares ] boy, that would be something to hear, wouldn't it? Oh, yeah. All the crickets start mating. I'll just plug in an 8-track of the captain & tennille and drown it out. Oh. Yeah. Do you know that toni tennille sings in the same key as a smoke detector? You don't say. Well, gord, we got to go. Really good to see you again. Take care of yourself. Oh, no, you're not going now. We just have -- no. Please. Please. No. No. I was gonna show you my bark collection and stuff! Well, we'll just see that another time, all right? Now you take care of yourself. We'll come back. No, please, don't go! Hey, well, uh, why don't you come back tomorrow? I'm -- I'm here tomorrow. Oh, all right, well -- you know, say, after 11:00, 'cause at 11:00, I'm scheduled to floss, but if you want to come by early, I'll move it to another day. Well, why don't we just play that by ear, huh, huh? Oh, okay. Yeah. Like my autoharp, huh? Play it by ear? Oh, you play that by ear, too. Yeah, I could, uh -- would you like to hear "love will keep us together"? Uh, well, that would be nice, but I think we should wait till the fog rolls in, don't you? Oh, yeah. [ spoons and guitar playing ] ♪ listen to the singing toad sing his happy song ♪ ♪ at the copa ♪ ♪ copacabana ♪ ♪ the ho-- ♪ sorry. ♪ if you don't hear the singing toad ♪ ♪ he must have sung too close to the road ♪ copaca-- vroom! Chk! Ohh! Rarr! Voom! [ laughs ] oh! Uncle red, this is so excellent. It's "male call" time again, and I think this is the best part of the show. You know, it just gels together like that. Just thought out of it off the top of my head and -- bang -- it's all fitting together. This is so great! Ha! Oh, yeah, harold, I smell an emmy. Oh, ha! You scared me there, uncle red. [ chuckles ] okay, letter number one. "dear red green, "last year, I saw every episode of your show. "then this year, we got our tv dial fixed, "and I've been watching some other shows. "and they're all talking about the environment. What about you?" well, harold, one of the biggest problems we face is the destruction of the environment through the use of cffs... Or, uh, fc... Well, really what they're called, chlorocarbons or -- or carbo... Carboflurom. What's the name of that stuff they use in the refrigerators? Oh, sorry? What? Sorry, I was making up a cartoon in my mind. I was talking about refrigeration. What's the name of that stuff they use in there? You know, it's in your car air conditioner. My car doesn't have an air conditioner. Why not? It's a motorcycle. I forget what we were talking about. Carbofluorons? Yeah, okay, all right, so what we have to do is we got to figure out a way to make ozone. Oh, how do you do that? Well, ozone is produced whenever there's an electrical short-circuit. Remember that time when we dropped the s.O.S pad into the hair dryer. Remember that smell? Yeah. Well, that was ozone. Are you sure? I thought that was the kitchen on fire. No, I mean before that. Are you sure? 'cause I don't think ozone has a smell. Oh, yeah, ozone has a smell. Go sniff the back of a fridge. No, that's flarbocooluns. That's like fcf -- fccs f's. All right, forget that. What's the name of that stuff they make styrofoam cups out of? Styrofoam. Yeah. Well, that has cf-- cfffcs. Are you sure? I thought that was the plastic hamburger box that had flarbocooluns in it. No, it's the hamburgers. Are the french fries okay? Are the french fries okay, uncle red? Yeah. Yeah, they are, harold. In fact, I think if you eat enough french fries, you actually produce ozone. Are you sure? Well, remember the smell from the hair dryer? Oh, yeah. Red: You know, I, uh, think we could retitle this segment "kids, don't try this at home." bill brought us, as you can see, a snowblower, and, uh... You know, it's -- it's something that's a valuable part of our equipment list up here at the lodge, but it is a piece of heavy equipment, and you should respect it. Uh, the snow goes in there -- bill's giving you the demo here -- and it comes out here, you know. I mean, that's clever, isn't it? I mean, what else would you assume? And never put your hands anywhere... Well, like what I'm doing. Never do that, all right, for starters. Speaking of starters, bill's having a little problem there. Mr. Expert doesn't know you got to turn the thing on first. Yeah, yeah, I'll drink to that, bill. Anyway, up she goes, and we just wanted to show you -- actually, bill has some interesting ideas, how you can adapt a snowblower to, you know, really help you as a tool. And this is kind of interesting. I think it's just unfortunate that we picked garbage day as the day to try and do this. And if bill was paying a little more attention, that wouldn't have hurt, either, you know. But, uh... Well, they are a powerful machine. I got a hint of what we'd had for dinner the last couple of weeks at the lodge. I-I think that pork was undercooked. But on we go, anyway. What bill really wanted to show you here was -- this is something kind of interesting that he thought up. I didn't completely understand it at first because I just saw him tying the rope onto the snowblower, and I really was a little bit, uh -- well, you can see there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he tied the other end of the rope to a tree. And you know what he's got in mind here is I think this is something that he may have seen in a cartoon, you know, which he goes to regularly. And the idea is you start the snowblower up, and it winds around the tree, you see, and it clears the whole area without you actually having to do any work, so... Do you think that -- well, bill's a bit of a slow learner, you know, with this -- there we go. All right. [ clears throat ] so, anyway, he gets it going, and the wheels are turning there around, and we engage the thrower, and then what happens is it's supposed to be winding around the tree. And, of course, every time it goes around, the rope winds around the tree, and -- and -- and -- and -- and -- and -- and brings it in a little bit closer, you see? Now, our problem was the knot was just slipping around the tree, so what was happening was the snowblower wasn't -- wasn't coming any closer. It just kept going over and over the same circle. So bill figured if he gave it a tug and tightened the knot a little tighter... I guess I should have paid more attention to what was happening. He kind of turned it, and it kind of was -- well, you -- well... [ clears throat ] now, this is -- this is real dangerous, I think. I don't think it's just me, you know? Oh, oh, oh, oh! Oh, bill, that's -- that's bill's underwear. I don't know -- oh. Snowy wear in there. What some guys will do to increase their sperm count. "it is winter. "the joints stiffen as the cold sets in. "the north wind blows ice pellets into your eyes. "you wonder at its brutality and pointlessness. Then your mind turns to hockey." [ clears throat ] this is the point in the show where we give harold a chance to say what's on his mind. We got to do something to kill the time. Go ahead. Okay. Ha! Bullies, okay? All right, well, you know who I'm talking about -- those people who beat you up on the way to school and the supermarket and church. Well, I don't think anybody has the right to use physical violence on another human being. Well, all right, unless, of course, like, you're batman or the police or something. And I don't mind being attacked verbally. That's okay. You know, I really am getting used to that. But I got a walkman, so I don't even notice much anymore. [ laughs ] but when it resorts to fists, I just have to stop and say, "enough!" but usually that doesn't help, either. [ chuckles ] you know, okay, all right, yes. When I get punched by some moron, I can resort to, like, immature tactics, as well, like punch him back or something, or I could be mature about it and crumble into a moaning heap. And then I go home, and I plot against them, like ordering 80 pizzas to their house. [ laughs ] see, you have to do that. You have to use your brains, or otherwise, you've sunk to their level. And they're gonna win 'cause they got huge, ham-shaped fists. [ laughs ] but those hands are no match for this -- head lice. We have lots more coming up for you, not just the haircutting story. Oh, thank god. [ horn honking ] uh, we're up here at jimmy mcveigh's house. Jimmy's not home from work yet. Guess they had a heavy day at the post office. Wanted to come up here and see how jimmy's doing with this old wooden boat he's fixing up. Oh, here comes jimmy now. How'd she go today, jim? Oh, geez, what a bloody day! What happened? The bloody bag weighs tons! Can you imagine all the bloody letters that they have us taking around this country? Well, yeah, but, jim, you're a letter carrier. It's not the letters, you know. It's the magazines. The damn magazines must weigh 60 pounds. I mean, can you imagine swinging a bag like that on your shoulder while you're climbing a fence with a pit bull tearing the arse of your trousers? That is what I call stress in the workplace. Absolutely. But, jim, don't worry about that now. You can think about your boat. Oh, my god, red, you're right. Look at that. Isn't she a beauty? Well, she will be someday, maybe. I mean, look at the lines! Look at the craftsmanship! [ inhales deeply ] I can nearly smell the sea. Can't you? Yeah, it smells like a big mushroom, really, jim. That's really beautiful. You'll never see a fiberglass boat looking like that, will you? No, that's for sure. How long -- how long have you been working on her, jim? Well, you know, not that long. No, no, about 6 1/2 years or so. Mind you, I do take a weekend off once a year just to go to the boat show. Oh, and then, of course, you got to spend time with the missus. No, I do not. Oh? No, she's bloody well gone. Oh, my god. She's away. She's left. She left you? She did. She done a bunk. It was a surprise to me, too. No kidding. I went into the house there just to get a coat hanger, you know, to make a hose clamp for the engine, and to my amazement, I noticed all her clothes were gone. No note or nothing. Now, there is what you call loving support, isn't it? Well, I think you're kind of to blame, too, jim. I mean, you've got to spend some time with the little lady, you know? It's not like I didn't spend some time with her. Man, dear, I mean, I had her up in that boat once to help me lift the engine out. Oh, yeah. She was bloody useless. Well, it's too bad anyway. It is. It's a shame. It is. It's a shame. It's a tragedy. I mean, I could have had that boat in the bloody water by now. Well, the, uh, haircutting adventure kind of eventually worked itself out. He got a little bit better at it, anyway. I mean, the injury rate certainly went down when he stopped doing the sides and the back and just concentrated on -- on doing the tops of the head. Probably the worst job moose did was when he cut his own hair. You know, he set up a bunch of mirrors, and he had the razor and some barbecue tongs there. You know, I never knew that moose's scalp was pink. But, uh, we learned something, though. You know, we learned that everything has its place. Mine is here, harold's is over there, and moose's barber kit is at the bottom of the lake. So, anyway, if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home, and I'm fine, but I'll be wearing my hat for the next six weeks or so. So, anyway, thanks for watching the show, and on behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang here at the lodge, keep your stick on the ice.